Christams Blues

Well, the holiday season is here…and I don’t know how to get through it. This is the first time in seven years that I am single for Christmas. Forgive me if it sounds selfish, this is a new game for me. Will this be a test as to how I can handle holidays…alone?

I was putting holiday decorations up the other day, and in doing so, I started to cry. I started to think about a relationship that had recently ended . I guess I was missing her presence in my life. She blamed me for all of it. And when someone tells you it is your fault that the relationship is over, it hurts. However, I finally realized that it was not true love. I know in my heart that one day, I will find the girl I have been searching for…hopefully.

Meanwhile, my friends are trying to get me to tongue-lash any female they feel is an easy target, which means any girl they have hooked up with. The only thing holding me back is the gentleman inside of me. I just can not go around kissing every single girl that walks towards me, or even hold a conversation with me. Hell, you would be lucky if I even asked you out on a date. Am I a normal human being? I believe the jury is still out on this one.

Old Post(edited)

I need to let off some steam that has recently come up. Let me begin by saying that some guys are Jerks. Everyday of my life, including today, most of the guys I hang out with brag about having sex with this girl, and that girl, and where they went to do the nasty. They all talk about what they do to these girls, and it just pisses me off. I get it, you can have sex with hundreds of women, all over the world. But why? When it’s over, these girls fall in love with you, and you toss them like they are nothing but a piece of crap. What the hell makes these people do that. I feel like screaming at all of these people. What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do to stop it. These guys humiliate these women , and girls love it. WHY? I am a guy who would take a girl out, and treat her as if she were my own mother. She would not pay for anything. And no girl wants to be with me. I know I am may not be as attractive, but I was brought up with the mentality to treat a woman with the utmost respect, and I don’t see it anymore. Maybe I am just old school. Perhaps I am in the wrong generation. I would never do what these guys do to these women. However, it is these guys, who think they are nothing but the best, who can get anything and anyone they want. What hurts most, I have had it rubbed in my face so many god damn times, I am sick of it. I have been told that I would be lucky to find anyone out there for me. I have a friend who tell me constantly that I was “p****-whipped.” What is wrong with the world today. Listen, women need to just wake up. I just…I don’t know what else to say. If you agree with me, good. If you have a different point of view, or you want to add on to my frustrated thought…tell me.

Anybody up for UNO?

During a game of UNO, I had a revelation. I have not been truthful with myself…or for that fact, anybody. I hide in the shadows, as well as jokes, and laughter. I guess I fear how people will interpret who I really am.

So how about we clear that up. I am what you call “vertically challenged”. I like to be up at 3:00am, just so I can look at the stars at night. I don’t take appreciation in some things that I should. I say I don’t care how people think of me…but I do. A book could be written of ideas that just can not be expressed. I love to listen to someone talk for hours…if someone was going to talk about their whole life to me, I would have no problem listening. However, when I want to speak, I just can not think of the words to say. I believe I don’t work as hard as I should. I hate bugs…any kind of bugs. My biggest fear though…is being alone.

This stuff seems depressing…I guess I have lived a somewhat depressing life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am, but events in my life have driven me to believe in this. As I write more, I feel weight being lifted off my shoulders. If you have gotten this far…well, thank you. If I have missed anything or you just have a question, just ask me.

My other thought deals with friendship. I will tell you that I have not been a good friend. Don’t tell me me that I have, you would just be lying.

I disappeared for sometime…maybe even too long. Now, old friends have disappeared left and right. I am trying to get back into the groove, but it isn’t easy. As I thought about this…I realized that I have never told people how I really felt. I never told how I appreciated them, or hated some of their actions. So I have decided this…if you want to know how I feel about you, ask me. Trust me when I tell you, I will not lie to you. My accomplishment here is to not hide a damn thing. I could give some bad review on you, so be prepared.

However, don’t hide how you feel about me. If there is something I do that irks you…tell me. I am what I am…but i can change, I want to. Enough with this sad crap…how about a joke. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Don’t know? Ask me and I will tell you.

Nice guys finish last.

How are you supposed to deal with tragedy, when the pain follows? Do you try to fix it, ignore it, or do you just contemplate something drastic? I have come to realize that none of these work. You will always have memory of the past, and wish there was the future. So what now…where do you go from here?

I have heard from almost everyone that “there are other fish in the sea.” How can someone who hides in the shadows, and is extremely shy supposed to catch that “fish.” The only option left is to begin again.

Beginning a new life is nothing but pain and hardship. However, that is how it has to be done. The one phrase that sticks in my head is “Nice guys finish last.” I find that to be true. I am a person who thinks he has nothing…no quality that a woman would like. I know that some of you might disagree. And I appreciate that. If there are two things I know that are sacred to life, they are family, and friendship. I gave friendship away five years ago…and I am now trying to get that back. I hope that one day…I will find the girl who puts the smile back on my face. So why am I boring you with this? I was just thinking. Thinking is dangerous…isn’t it?